


The Ouija Board

by LadyByron



Category: Eroica Yori Ai o Komete | From Eroica with Love
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Other, i have no idea really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26540398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyByron/pseuds/LadyByron
Summary: Little bizarre appendix of my fic Heaven And Hell.
Relationships: Klaus von dem Eberbach/Dorian Red Gloria
Comments: 9
Kudos: 6





	The Ouija Board

**Author's Note:**

> This makes no sense.

"Nnnngh..."

Dorian smirked. He bit his lip and groaned.

"What is that?", he asked softly, looking at his partner through heavy eyelids, panting. His legs were shaking a bit, but he wasn't going to give up.

"It... Hurts...", Klaus mumbled, "I can't..."

"You give up?", Dorian sighed, and rocked his hips. Klaus hissed and nodded.

"I give up, I give up...", the brunette said, clenching his teeth and Dorian laughed. 

He was much more flexible than Klaus, and no matter how intricate his position was, he ALWAYS won. The Major, on the other hand, had never played Twister before, so not only it seemed stupid, it was difficult for him. He ended up tangled with the thief's hips right on his arse this time as well, so it was not only difficult, it was humiliating.

Dorian rolled off him and Klaus let himself fall on the Twister mat, blushed and panting. This was stupid, annoying. But, Dorian was HIM now, wasn't he. Satan. The Devil himself. His master. And he was nothing but a subordinate. And he knew how to obey.

"Now, pay the price", Dorian giggled, and Klaus rolled his eyes. 

"I don't want to", he mumbled, "I feel very tired".

"Oh, is that so...", Dorian squinted, playing with his hair, "... You know you can do this willingly, and have a good time. But if you don't agree to do it, I can force you and torture and make your existence here the worst of nightmares?"

"Anything could be better than that!", Klaus yelled.

"Oh, really...", Dorian yawned, "... How would you feel if your father, Charles Lawrence, Mischa the bear cub, Dick Steamroller and Virgil Word died and they ended up all here, in hell, with us?"

Klaus shivered at the thought and cleared his throat.

"... Oh... Oh oh oh, oh oh... Y-you don't have to go... Oh oh, oh oh... You don't... Have to go...", it was humiliating indeed.

"Moan better, Klaus!"

Apparently, they've been dead for so long, that Dorian already got bored of sex- impossible as it sounds. For Klaus, even that would be better than this. Sex with the airhead thief was quite good after all. More than quite good. It was incredible. But it wasn't like they could have sex every single hour of the day, and there were other demons taking care of the torturing, so that wasn't something they could do either.

"When I read the letter you wrote me, it made me mad mad mad  
When I read the news that it told me, it made me sad sad sad  
But I still love you so  
I can't let you go  
I love you  
Oh, baby I love you!"

"BAHAHAHAHA OH GOD KLAUS, YOU'RE KILLING ME!", Dorian laughed at the Major's falsetto. In the end, even Klaus smiled a bit. 

The Major sighed and sat next to Dorian, on the floor. Eventually, he got down and rested his head on the blonde's lap. It wasn't so bad after all. Being a bit of a homo. And there was no need to be so harsh now. He looked up at Dorian, serious.

"What is it?", Dorian asked softly, running his fingers through Klaus' hair.

"My men", Klaus sighed, "how are they?"

They were not okay. They were working for a new Major now. Not the gloomy Gottfried Rhode, a better man. But certainly not as exigent as Klaus. A was quite responsible, he tried to make his coworkers keep on working hard. But it wasn't easy. If B was lazy before, now he was a complete sloth. Z was doing quite a good job... Taking care of G, who was depressed as never. She never wore a dress or makeup again, and she never stopped crying. Z would calm her down a few hours, but eventually she started crying again. 

That was the situation for them since the Major and Dorian died. Dorian described his visions with a compassionate voice.

"Pathetic", Klaus mumbled and got up. He put his hands under Dorian's armpits and lifted him up.

"What?", Dorian gasped but didn't complain.

"Let's torture someone. I'm bored".

"N-no, Klaus, I don't like that..."

"... What do we do? I'm bored".

Dorian pouted, looking thoughtful.

"Sex?", he suggested.

"... Alright... But don't call me daddy", Klaus wrinkled his nose.

"If you don't pull my beautiful, precious hair", Dorian flipped his hair, closing his eyes.

"Deal".

So while Dorian and Klaus were having sex for the (we've lost count) time, three men were sitting around a table, drinking tea.

"We MUST ask for the money! The Earl died working for them! Is not fair!", James screeched, making Bonham wince.

"Can't believe you care so much for money, James", Jones grunted, "we've lost something much more valuable, we have!"

"Precisely my point. We've lost everything. And yet they didn't even pay for it! Is not FAIR!", the little man kept crying out, raising his fist.

The elder, Bonham, sighed and shrugged. The truth is that he would have liked to see that good fellow A. To see how he was doing. Bonham knew A cared for his Major as much as he cared for his lordship. 

"I say we go. Let's go to Germany and pass by NATO. We don't lose so much with trying", he said.

"We lose the money of the trip", James scoffed, "let's just call them on the phone".

"We steal a plane. Not a biggie", Bonham insisted and James raised an eyebrow.

"I don't like it", Jones groaned.

James smirked.

"That transvestite, G, will be there", he said casually.

"Aye, aye, I'm in", Jones got up and walked away, offended.

Several days later, when they arrived to Germany, NATO received them well, but the money was not given to them even though James cried and yelled. But at least they got to meet the alphabets.

"Mr Bonham. Life has been so miserable since then", A sighed, shaking the addressed man's hand. He looked haggard and thinner.

"You tell me. I have to keep James sedated sometimes. Life's not the same without the Earl", Bonham looked sad but physically healthy.

"My, you don't look well, little peach", Jones sat next to G, " are you okay?"

"... Who are you?", G replied, blinking.

"... W-we don't know each other much but I usually saw you working for the Major. I'm Jones", he explained, feeling a bit heartbroken.

"Ah..."

He kept talking to G even though Z were giving them nasty looks. But the latter couldn't complain because, to be fair, G was paying attention, something that hadn't happen in a while.

"Because Maybelline now has a new tone, and I swear it would look amazing on you. Your skin, honey, it really is like porcelain", Jones was saying and G just blinked, looking at him.

Meanwhile Bonham decided to invite them all to the place they were staying. He was going to cook for them and have some nice time remembering their beloved bosses. It wasn't a bad idea. Bonham, James and Jones, with A, B, G and Z. Nothing big, just... A dinner.

But it turned out to be much different than a conventional dinner.

"Where the heck did you get that, James?!", Jones yelled, when after having dinner, during a coffee time, the accountant produced a Ouija board from under his seat and placed it in the middle of the table.

"Found it in the garbage, you see. I think this will be fun. We'll get in touch with Lord Gloria. And we'll ask him the numbers for the lottery and stuff like that. He'll assist us", James explained calmly, "he cares for us dearly, doesn't he?"

Bonham shook his head, not even surprised.

"Put that away, James. You're scaring the guests", he said, embarrassed.

"I'm not scared", A said, "but I do think it's disrespectful to play those games".

"I-is not a game", Jones bit his thumbnail, "throw that shite away, eh?"

"N... No", they heard a soft voice and they all turned to G. She was finally wearing a dress again, yet this time she wore no makeup - however she didn't need much of it since her eyelashes were thick and dark and gorgeous, and her lips full and pink, "... Maybe... We could. I would love to talk with them again".

The three agents look at each other in shock.

"You have to be kidding!", B exclaimed, "do you believe in that crap?"

"... Yes", she shrugged.

"You're completely bananas! Bonkers! Young lasses shouldn't be playing with stuff like this!", Jones scolded her and she blinked slowly at him.

"Are you scared.... Jones...?", she asked and nobody could believe she was able to sound so sensual and seductive.

"The heck, no", Jones said and sat down next to her, "I'm totally in".

"S-so am I!", Z stuttered. He wasn't going to chicken out, not if that stupid Jones would participate.

A and B shrugged.

"I have nothing better to do at home", B sighed.

"My wife is at my mother in law's place so", A shrugged, "guess I can stay".

Bonham sighed resigned too and James chuckled.

"Very well, then...", he grinned like a maniac, with that Stanley Kubrick's look in his eye, smiling monstrously, spooking all of the people around him, "let's do this".

"Now your turn", Dorian yawned, playing with his Rubik's cube.

"... I spy with my little eye", Klaus mumbled, "something...", he eyed the cube in Dorian's hand, "red".

"The flames of hell?", Dorian murmured and Klaus growled.

"Yeah... Fuck, Earl, I'm going to torture someone. I'm bored to death", the Major stretched, getting out of the bed but climbed again when someone knocked the door.

"Yes?", Dorian said politely and a minion came in, a delicate young man with straight, medium length, blonde hair.

"Your Lordship, we've received a call from the ghosts and haunting section. Apparently, today there's been 27617 Ouija games. As you commanded, we picked some randomly and sent actual ghosts, and let the others be. But there's one place in which they are actually wanting to make contact with you".

"I already told you, I'm not interested", Dorian shook his hand.

"Forgive my insistence, my lord, but, I'm sure you will like to hear about this".

Klaus frowned and Dorian blinked. It sounded serious.

"Oh, boy...", Dorian exclaimed when he saw the group on the computer screen, and Klaus facepalmed.

"Some of our boys have been writing random messages on their board to keep them entertained until you decided whether you wanted to contact them or not", the minion explained.

"... What do you think, Major?", the Earl asked.

"...", it looked stupid, yes. But he has been so very bored..., "scare them to death. For being idiots".

"Good point", Dorian nodded, " I'm going".

Jones was pale as a glass of milk, but the good thing about being a total coward was that the girl was being a complete sweetheart. The truth is, G hated cowards, but she felt bad for this man Jones, who was doing this clearly just to impress her. She was kind enough to hold his hand while the invisible force kept writing "banana fana fo fana" on the board.

"What even is that?!", Jones squirmed, getting goosebumps.

"The song, innit", Bonham was actually chuckling and B was laughing his heart out.

"This is so, so annoying", James puffed, actually making the bangs on his eye lift a bit with the air.

Klaus shook his head, standing right behind A, upset, but Dorian was laughing too.

"Our minions are hilarious", Dorian wheezed.

They had just arrived to the scene. Obviously, the guys couldn't see them, but they were there.

"What do we do, Earl", Klaus mumbled.

"We move the planchette. Pointing out at the letters or numbers, to answer to their questions", Dorian explained.

"To frighten them, I mean".

"Trust me, it gets nasty when it starts making some sense. For the time being is funny, but they're all quite nervous".

They leaned forwards, awaiting for a question.

"This is not working", G sighed, "maybe we should cut this out".

"Fine, fine!", James growled, "we have to say bye first. So, hum, Mr Ghost? Can be say goodbye now?", he said kindly.

Dorian smiled at Klaus and then put his finger on the planchette. The seven people startled and looked at each other.

"Did you feel that?", Jones asked.

"Like a tickle?", A frowned.

"I did...", Z gulped.

Dorian giggled and moved the planchette. The guys read the answer out loud.

" L, E, A, V, I, N, G, S, O, S, O, O, M, J, A, M, E, S, I, E, Q, U, E, S, T, I, O, N, M, A, R, K"

"Was it necessary to put the question mark?", Klaus rolled his eyes and Dorian shushed him.

"Leaving so soon Jamesie, question mark?", B frowned.

"It's a questionnnnnn", G rolled her eyes, just as the Major.

They looked at James and he gulped.

"Jamesie... E-earl? Is that you?", he asked, looking around, blinking his eye.

Klaus touched the planchette this time and after squeaking, James pulled his hand away.

"No, you bloody twit, you ain't supposed to pull out before saying good frigging bye, stupid wanker!", Jones was about to cry.

"It hurt me!", James whined.

"Sissy", Klaus mumbled and moved the planchette.

"A, B, G, Z, A, L, A, S, K, A"

Four pair of eyes widened.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

G started screeching and also pulled her hand away. Z tried to embrace her but it was too late. She was in Jones' arms and both were crying. B was shaking and A started sweating cold.

"I-I want to stop this, this isn't funny!", he said. Now, none of them were touching the planchette.

Klaus was smiling, amused, and Dorian bit his lip. Now that nobody was touching the planchette, it was going to be even more scary.

He put his finger on it and moved it, making G, Jones and B yelp.

"J, O, N, E, S"

"Aaaaaaaaaah Jesus fuck!", he was trembling from head to toes, squeezing G in his arms.

"R, O, Y, A, L, O, R, L, E, A, N, S", Dorian wrote, making Klaus, G, Z, A and B frown in wonder. But James started laughing and Bonham smiled.

Jones blushed and looked at G.

"D-don't pay attention!", he said to her.

"I don't know what that is!", she shrugged.

"GOOD!"

Klaus sighed exasperated.

"Boring", he mumbled and slapped a lamp. It fell on the floor and everyone is the room startled.

In a mess of screeches and questions, Dorian began turning the lights on and off, on and off. Klaus grabbed a lipstick from G's purse and wrote on a mirror, "Z, don't give in to temptation. You are confused now, but G is not for you". Z was not only scared, he has never been more embarrassed in his life. Dorian played a record, Klaus fixed the clock which was 45 seconds late. Dorian lifted G's skirt and Klaus slapped A and B's head when they starred.

Eventually, all the alphabets ran away, G with Jones, but Bonham and James remained there.

"Are they not afraid?", Klaus asked.

"Darling, James frightens ME", Dorian said, "and Bonham is way too loyal".

Just as he said this, Bonham gulped and asked.

"Are you alright, m'lord?"

Dorian smiled and wrote on the Ouija board, "yes".

"The Major, eh?", the moustache man grinned.

"Yes", Dorian chuckled.

"Good for you, m'lord. We miss you".

Dorian's eyes got teary. It was the first time in many, many months that he felt the weight of his own loss.

"M, I, S, S, U, 2. L, U, V, U".

James wiped his eye and sniffed.

"My looooooord", he cried and Dorian pouted, "tell me the numbers for the lottery!"

When the flower vase fell on James' head, Bonham had already went to bed.

**Author's Note:**

> I told you.


End file.
